Know what crime and video games have in common? Neither pay. Well, unless you're paid to write about the games. Like wot we are.

The Heist 2 is a thin-blooded management sim stirred into an equally insipid driving game. The goal is to earn 5 million bucks by robbing various well-moneyed establishments, from the local bookie to heavily protected banks.

To pull off a heist, you'll need a crew. Or a krew, if you're a wee bit gangsta. Hire specialists in safe-cracking, planning, con-artistry or plain old thuggery, tool them up with some badass heaters, slot them into yo' pimped out ride, and pick yo' mission from yo' mission menu (having first ascertained yo' posse are packin' all da right skillz, dawg).

The player never actually gets to do any robbing, presumably as part of a cunning plan to slip a jail sentence in the event of capture. Instead, you sit behind the wheel while your specialists pull an Ocean's Eleven.

Once they're out (having successfully or unsuccessfully intimidated the desk clerk, over-powered security, cut the wires, etc as per their skills and stats), you must drive everybody to freedom with the arrow keys.

Your car can be upgraded or replaced between missions (there's a tank further down the line for hard-working thieves) but the driving stays bland throughout. Still, there's some mild enjoyment to be had from transforming a gang of liquor store muggers into a razor-sharp heist ring.

Spymaster's is a more sociable underworld, thanks to the "magic" of Twitter. If it's road rage you're after, we suggest Mad Monday.

Play The Heist 2